Well-Behaved Children

A friend wrote something, and I couldn’t believe my eyeballs:

Just had to snicker a little at the party invite from friends pregnant with their first, saying “well-behaved children” were welcome.

I have a myriad of snarky responses from which to choose:

  1. May your baby be colicky
  2. May your perfect, sleeping-though-the-night-infant become that toddler who is fearless and exhausting.
  3. Let’s hope your friends forget about this invitation when you are struggling to figure out how to work with your preschooler’s sensory processing disorders that make him a less-than-ideal party guest.
  4. They won’t. Your friends won’t forget this invitation. You’ve already alienated half your tribe before your child has made her appearance.
  5. Are kids welcomed or not? Cuz my kid might show up in a good mood. But your hummus might send him over the edge into sob town. I hate your hummus, too, by the way. The tahini is always a little off.
  6. May you be surrounded by other Sanctimommies. You can bring up your child to a lonely chorus of their tsking.
  7. Wait. Did you actually write that down? It’s one thing to be a d-bag in private. It’s another thing to announce it to the world.
  8. Hahahahaahaaaaaaaaaaa!

People, people, people. I’m glad you’re not my friends. I’d be sad about the break-up blog post I’m writing to you.

Now excuse me. My child is not napping, which will lead to big time party fun this evening. Wish we could come over! I’d bring my own hummus.

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6 Responses to Well-Behaved Children

  1. pia says:

    OMG. Just wow.. Like. If the wind blows one way, I have an awesome kid. If the wind shifts? I’m carrying him out of a fast food taco place with him punching me in the head after we explained that while he WAS holding the plastic knife properly, his hand was not the place to try his new knife skills. And yes, he was using a knife to eat a taco.

  2. Amara says:

    Fer. REALS.

  3. Mari Bohman says:

    Well said. I am old. My kids are even pretty old. I still remember. Well said.
    Sorry for the intra-uterine kid.

  4. anya023 says:

    god, i love you.

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